On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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