I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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