my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
