why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
