she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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