My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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