I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Never underestimate the power of titties
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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