K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
