i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just cropdusted the office
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
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