I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
