Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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