I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
