ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
