im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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