Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
