Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
