my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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