Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
