I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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