I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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