I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
