I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
