Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
