He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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