i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
