Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
