i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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