Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
