That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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