sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I can't turn off my feet"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
