woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
