She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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