dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
