it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
