my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
