It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My ass is underappreciated
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize