sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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