We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
