He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
