her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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