it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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