Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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