Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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