the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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