I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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