I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
