i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
