I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up under a house in Key West
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