you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
