Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
