I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
