Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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