I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
