Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
