The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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